Life has torn me down
Ripped me up
And kicked dirt on my face.
Life has a way of doing that sometimes.
I would manage to get to my knees,
And life would kick me down again.
All the while I knew I had to stand-
Like the saying goes, when like knocks you down you get right back up again,
And I truly thought I was.
I thought I was giving life hell.
But what I realized, is that all I was doing
Was rolling away from the punches that life threw at me
Not bothering to try throwing my own.
I became ashamed of who I was
And who I had let life make me into.
I would cover it up,
Cover up my reality with feelings of
Anger
At God and my situation
Love
For Gods mercy and grace
And a fake sense of confidence
In God’s plan that I would portray to the world.
A fake sense of confidence
That even I thought was real.
I became ashamed to admit that I was ashamed of myself.
Don’t get me wrong
I fought
I fought my disorder and my health problems hard.
I fought my anger towards God hard.
I fought my situations hard.
And for the most part, I would usually win.
However,
I was neglecting to see how I stopped fighting
Who I became on the inside.
On the inside I became a girl
Who didn’t recognize herself.
I became a girl who couldn’t stand her reflection
Because the girl staring back was unrecognizable.
Life really tore me down
Ripped me up
And kicked dirt on my face.
Life really has a way of doing that sometimes.
I did learn some lessons though
Like what it means to trust God with my health.
However, I never seemed to think
That this trust and understanding
Could relate to all aspects of my life.
My health
My future
My shame.
God has used every aspect of my life for His glory and to spread His message
Why did I not understand that by being honest about my shame and my insecurities and my fear of ending up alone, can help spread His message too?
I knew that I had no control over my health in my life
But I never realized that I literally have no control over anything in my life.
When I look back, the worst periods of my life
Were me trying to cope with this lack of control over my life.
Part of me wanted to curl into a ball and hide in a corner
When I realized that I have no control over any aspect of my life.
But then I realized that if I have no control over anything
That means that God has control over everything.
The author of the world,
The God who can hold the entire ocean in the cup of His hand
The God who created the galaxies
Has control over every part of my life.
And knowing myself, and how much I screw up sometimes,
I would much rather it this way.
Right now in my life
I feel God moving.
I see how He is playing an active role in my life- more so than any other time that I have experienced
And it kind of scares me.
Its like I am on the edge of a roller coaster.
I can hear the clicks slowing down- telling me that I am about to come to the edge
And fall.
But this time it doesn’t feel like I am falling.
But I still have that pit in my stomach all the same.
I just have to let go of the safety bar in front of me
Releasing my death grip
Throw my hands up in the air
And have the ride of my life
because it is my life.
And for the first time
I realize
That having no control over my life
Is the best gift that God could ever give me.
I just pray that God uses,
Literally every aspect in my life
For His glory
And so that people can see His love and grace through me.
And knowing what I now know
I realize
That I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am
Or who I have become
I should have joy in it
Because it is where God wants me.
And I know that God is going to use me.
So instead of praying that I can get back to the old me,
I am going to pray
That I become the type of person
Who says send me instead of
Why me,
The type of person who says
Use me instead of
Change me,
The type of person who realizes my beauty
Because of the God who made me,
The type of person who has confidence
That He will carry me safely home,
And a peace that surpasses all understanding.
And yet, after all these desires for my life surface,
I realize that still I have no control over anything…
And I wouldn’t want it any other way.